Oct 15, 2016 | By Yong-Yi Chiang | UC Los Angeles
“I don’t want to be the bitch that doesn’t get him in.”
These were the words that came out of my friend’s mouth after the interview. In the midst of deliberating over acceptances for an internship position, it was brought to her organization’s attention that an applicant had made a joke about sexual harassment. To my surprise, her discomfort and legitimate concerns were quickly dismissed. It was a joke. You should really try talking to him. He’s a really great guy.
Her words resonated with me because I cannot count the amount of times I have had to be that bitch.
After being in Bruin Consent Coalition for two years, I have been the bitch that confronts my closest friend for saying, “Maybe she could have prevented it. She really shouldn’t trust people that easily.” I have been the bitch that is labeled as overly sensitive, because I have heard about too many assaults to ever find rape jokes funny. I have been that bitch for not talking to my father, because he beat me, and while my mother calls it discipline, it’s the emotional abuse I cannot get over. I have been the bitch that cuts problematic people out of my life, because the safety of the ones I love felt more important.
These are the excruciating moments that have taught me that supporting survivors has never been – and never will be – a cookie cutter formula.
It is too easy to label someone that “bitch” without thinking about the tremendous amount of self-doubt and guilt that comes with every difficult situation, every confrontation. It is too lazy to complain about being “censored” without thinking about the survivors we silence when we exercise our first amendment right to normalize rape culture.
No one ever talks about the fear of what might happen if you don’t be the bitch in these uncomfortable situations. No one ever talks about the guilt of making someone feel like you’re accusing them of being a rapist when you call them out on their rape joke. No one ever talks about the way it haunts you.
But then I always think back to survivors – survivors who are accused of lying, over-reacting, not remembering, “asking for it”, yet still make the incredibly brave decision to report. I can’t imagine the amount of stigma and guilt they receive being labeled “the bitch who ruined his life.” They remind me how much easier my work is and how much I take this privilege for granted.
I am not perfect, and as one of the current co-directors of Bruin Consent Coalition, I know that I’ve made insensitive jokes. I know that I’ve immaturely shared inappropriate pictures non-consensually. I know that sometimes I forget to explicitly ask for consent. And as much as I want to add the word “because” after each of these statements, I am done giving myself excuses.
I contribute to rape culture every single day. We all do. While we may not have bad intentions, we hurt the people around us every day, with our words and with our actions. And we have a responsibility to be cognizant of that. It’s the least that we can do and it’s the only way to move forward.
But while being the “bitch” has given me too many tears, too many disappointments, and too many broken relationships, it has also given me an overflowing amount of love and support. From the people who may disagree but respect my stance. From the people who agree with me but aren’t quite at the place where they can to vocalize it. From the people who don’t fully understand but are open to learning. And most importantly, from the survivors who may be watching that I may never know about. These are the people that make me wipe off the tears, take a deep breath, and keep fighting. They have made me the strong bitch that I am.
Yong-Yi Chiang is a Junior at the University of California, Los Angeles. She is one of the Co-Directors for Bruin Consent Coalition and interns at the UCLA’s Campus Assault Resources and Education office. She enjoys cuddling with her cat, Earl Grey.
